Right Here Right Now...

Just talked to R...rather chatted with her. R comes online I hope against hope that R would say something like Hey Sweets...lol yeah right at least R's " U ther?" would have made me feel so much better then having to control the urge to chat with her for almost an hour before I lost my holding power ..and again shamelessly ... feeling like a zombie I said hello from that " Special ID" made exclusely for talking to R when ever she is home. I know and I feel I understand R's reluctance to talk to me and I am really thankful from the bottom of my heart that she atleast replies to my stupidity once in a while. It is painful for R as she admitted tonite to ignore me like she does and she feels guilty about it. Hearing that I wished that the Earth shattered err the floor tiles in my case and swallowed me. Is this why I talk to R for..? Making R feel guilty and regret everything that happened in past? I so like to have some answers and as R Said all the answers lies inside me ...R was more mature and realistic ..she knew what she wanted and she did it to flush me out of her system...now it is my turn I know. But not gonna happen unless something dramatic happens... this pain makes me feel 90% instead of 100% I should be feeling....but it will live on in me till I am no more.... Goodnight Naircouple......